How to Know a Person — Chapter Six: Good Talks

1. 1. A good conversationalist is a master of fostering a two-way exchange, not a raconteur or lecturer.
2. 2. Arthur Balfour was considered an excellent talker because he created a communal effort that brought out the best in others.
3. 3. Treat attention as an on/off switch, not a dimmer, by using the SLANT method: sit up, lean forward, ask questions, nod, track the speaker.
4. 4. Be a loud listener by showing active reactions like Oprah Winfrey's verbal affirmations or Andy Crouch's grunts and amens.
5. 5. Favor familiarity over novelty to get a conversation rolling; people love to talk about what they already know.
6. 6. Make people authors, not witnesses, by asking specific questions about concrete details and their emotional experience.
7. 7. Don't fear the pause; take extra breaths to reflect before responding, as Japanese businesspeople do with eight-second pauses.
8. 8. Do the looping by paraphrasing what someone said to ensure accurate understanding, but do it informally to avoid sounding like a therapist.
9. 9. Adopt the midwife model in lopsided conversations: assist the other person in developing their own insights rather than leading with your own.
10. 10. Keep the gem statement at the center during conflict—a truth both parties agree on, like shared good intentions.
11. 11. Find the disagreement under the disagreement by exploring the moral or philosophical roots of differing views.
12. 12. Don't be a topper; sit with the other person's experience before sharing your own similar story.