How to Know a Person — Chapter Twelve: How Were You Shaped by Your Sufferings?

1. 1. Barbara Lazear Ascher's husband Bob was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given three months to live, prompting a period of intense connection and celebration.
2. 2. Grief is a process, not a state, and it shatters basic assumptions about the world being benevolent and controllable.
3. 3. People who grow from trauma accommodate their experience by creating new mental models, while those who are damaged assimilate it into existing ones.
4. 4. Frederick Buechner's father committed suicide when Buechner was ten, leading to a postponed grief that resurfaced decades later.
5. 5. Sharing grief with others is essential for overcoming fear and knowing each other deeply.
6. 6. The excavation of past trauma involves going back over events to create mental flexibility and multiple perspectives.
7. 7. Friends can help each other excavate their past through exercises like filling in blanks about family rules, writing annual summaries from a partner's perspective, and walking through life year by year.
8. 8. People who process trauma can construct a radically different life from the rubble of their old one.
9. 9. The Illuminator model of character development emphasizes social connection and small daily acts of building connection, unlike the warrior/statesman model of self-mastery.